Responsibility & Resentment

“Ok. I’ll handle it. I take full responsibility.”

It’s what I said many years back to myself and to those around me.

A few days ago, I read an article by Danielle Laporte on Resentment. Resentment is so ugly. It’s such a horrible thing to feel. It’s like quicksand — you get into it without even realizing it, and before you know it, you’re struggling to keep your head from going under with the rest of your body but it just keeps pulling you in deeper and deeper.

I don’t mind feeling anger or sadness. But resentment? It’s just so damn hard and difficult to let go of because of how deeply it’s rooted in ego. Resentment is the most stubborn of feelings. It’s the little kid who sits with his arms and legs crossed and does not budge until he gets his way. It’s what the great Nelson Mandela said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”

Well, I read this beautiful article on resentment and one of Danielle’s pointers as to how to turn resentment around goes as follows:

“Own that you are in charge of what you do. YOU CHOOSE to be there, to give it, to respond, walk away, show up, do it with swagger, with grace, or with vengeance. Your energy, your choice.”

Wow. Stop right in your tracks, Linds. What the f$%k have I been doing all these years? Clearly, if I had genuinely took responsibility as I so proclaimed to the world — there would be no resentment. Because if I had taken responsibility like I said, there wouldn’t have been any room to be angry with anyone else because the responsibility was on ME. I CHOSE that. Nobody forced me into that decision.

So, I realized so clearly for the first time, that I didn’t truly take responsibility. I mean, in some ways I did but energetically — it just wasn’t there. I took the actions to back my responsibility but I did so in a way as if I were forced (which is where the resentment snuck in and choked me).

See how the mind works?

And because I was held to an extreme of accountability from one party, I enslaved myself. I put myself in a jail. And as a result of this? The resentment for the other end grew deeper and deeper.

And because that grew deeper and deeper, I became harder and harder on myself.

It was a vicious cycle.

So what had to take place? And what still takes place today?

Lots of forgiveness, like on a regular basis. I have always been extremely hard on myself, unrealistically hard on myself. So forgiveness is something I must constantly practice. Forgiveness of myself and of others involved. But mostly myself.

And how do human beings get rid of resentment? Well, first and foremost, take full responsibility. Visualize what that looks like. See yourself taking responsibility with pride and love. See yourself in full and unshakeable support of the decision you’ve made. Feel what it feels like to happily and proudly take full responsibility.

Secondly and of equal importance, actually intertwined with the above practice, expression. Lets say for instance you have become resentful towards your partner because he/she doesn’t clean something up after you’ve asked them to do so. Well, you stopped expressing yourself and as a result grew resentful. First and foremost, take responsibility for the fact that you are choosing to allow this to bother you. The other person did not make you feel any certain way. Something they did triggered something within you, but you have the power to change that association. So express it. Write it down, express it to that person, scream it aloud in your car with the music blasting so nobody can hear you, take a kick boxing class  while thinking of it…

Resentment is a result of not expressing something and keeping something in. So find a way to get it out. Detox your beautiful being from the poison.

Thirdly, bring forth gratitude. For the other person. For the blessing of the struggle. For yourself. Resentment is there to tell you that you need to forgive and express yourself. Resentment is just a result of something going on in the inside. Resentment serves its purpose, even though it’s no fun. Bring forth gratitude for the one who has been pissing you off and the one you feel resentment towards. They are a beautiful blessing in your life. This is just an issue that is being brought forth to heal. What a beautiful gift that is.

Forgive. Express. Take Responsibility.  Gratitude.

You got this.

Love,

Lindsey

Dear Lady In The Drive-Through Line At Starbucks…

you-are-love

Dear Lady In The Drive-Through Line At Starbucks,

You probably couldn’t have guessed by my messy bun and mismatched workout clothes that I’ve been having a rough day. Well, more like a rough couple of weeks. You were in front of me in line so you probably just got a glimpse of my face, if even that.

I was just in my car, living in the future and the past, on my phone, not really paying attention to my surroundings and worrying about everything going on. I was just waiting in line for my coffee.

As human beings, we go through these phases in life where a lot of shit comes up all at the same time. Life truly is a roller coaster. And not that I would trade it for anything, because being in the high parts of life are so worth going through the lows. I truly believe to the extent in which we feel pain, sorrow and all of those uncomfortable feelings is to the extent on the other end of the spectrum in which we are capable of feeling natural ecstasy, joy, peace and all of the desirable feelings we have the capacity and gift of feeling.

So, I’ve been going through some valleys lately. It’s no coincidence that things are coming up from my past that I didn’t even know were there (to heal, that I’ve never dealt with) and bumps are showing up in life synchronistically with the time in my life that I am stepping into my feminine power and potential. It’s okay. I see the beauty in it all. And in order to fulfill my life’s purpose, I must forgive, let go of and release the things that have been holding me back.

However, there’s days where I just feel hopeless. Depressed. Anxiety. Those are things I have worked SO hard to overcome and man, have I done a killer job at overcoming them. That doesn’t mean they don’t show up from time to time.

I’ve forgotten over the past few weeks, and earlier today in particular, the true essence of life and my being:

I am love. I am loved. I am supported. I am divine.

Peace comes from within. And although I have been focusing “within” — it hasn’t come from that peaceful place. It’s been coming from a place of anxiousness and random spurts of depression that have  been the result of thinking of the past and future too much and not living in the only time we have, Now.

So, lady in the drive-through line, you paid for my coffee and had the Starbucks Employee relay a message to me: “Pay it forward”.

Well, when I left the line, I cried. I’ve been holding so much in that I’m usually good at expressing and letting out. So, thank you. Your small act of kindness was my tipping point to peace. You reminded me that life is about giving back to others and serving others; not focusing on “me” and all that’s wrong. In reality, nothing is really wrong at all. Everything is in perfect divine order. I had temporarily forgotten that truth, also.

I was also reminded from your small act of kindness, that actually turned into being a huge act of kindness, that I am fully loved and supported by the Universe, by my Creator, by the people in my life including my husband, my kids, my dear friends & family…

It wasn’t about the $2.24 that you paid it forward with. It was God working through you;  you may not have even been aware of that, but He was surely working through you. Today, I needed a pick-me-up, and sister, you so blessed me with one.

I know you aren’t expecting anything in return, which is truly divine and beautiful, but I wish I had been paying attention and being present in line so that I could’ve remember what car you were driving so that when I pulled out could’ve sent you some energetic love and gratitude.

But it’s okay. You helped bring me back to the presence, and I am still sending you love and gratitude, whomever you are.

With Love,

Lindsey ❤